It’s interesting that many problems that we deal with in marriage, and life in general, come from people responding to hurt. What’s even more interesting is that when we lash out at somebody, we justify that as O.K. After all, they hurt us first in some way. So it’s O.K. for us but when our spouse, for example, lashes out at us, it’s ohhhh so wrong.You see, we think that our partner is a this, that and the other thing. They must be, look at what they said to us, but with what we said to them we say, “Well, what do you expect, I was mad.”We can see our partner as rude and even cruel but most likely they are reacting from a place of hurt and even resentment. When our spouse hurts us, we lash out. The lashing out probably feels malicious to them, just like it feels to us. Each of us see the other as a mean and cruel person, but we are both just responding to being hurt and we’re trying to protect ourselves.When our marriage is in trouble, one spouse or the other starts looking for help. They need some “save my marriage” advice that will work, and will work quickly. A relationship can be turned around at any time, even if only one person wants to save it. There are many things that you can do to get your marriage back on the road to happiness again, but to start, you need to realize that most of the damaging things that we say, and that are said to us, are based on being hurt and self-preservation.Now, that’s not a big revelation. Most us know that, but we forget this simple fact when we’re fighting with our spouse and our marriage seems to be spinning out of control. If your marriage is in trouble, most likely the two of you seem to be fighting a lot(for some that’s an understatement), and both of you are probably hurting each other with the things you say to each other, and you can’t figure out what the problem is. You may even be thinking that the problem would be solved if your spouse would just stop being so mean and critical. Does this sound familiar?If YOU want to save your marriage, YOU need to stop this downward spiral. Fortunately, you can stop the hurting and start healing your relationship. When a fight starts and you begin lashing out at each other, you need to stop and remember where this is coming from. When you view your spouse’s actions as a response to hurt, then you can begin to respond differently.If a child asks for something and is told “no,” and then the child says, “I hate you!” Is the child being mean? No, he or she is angry and hurt because they didn’t get what they wanted. They are acting out of hurt and resentment, not from being mean. They are looking at the situation as, “You hurt me, so now I’m going to hurt you.” Once you realize this, you can attack this situation differently(although punishment may still be in order). Instead of approaching the child with an attitude of, “Why you little…!” Instead, you can approach this child understanding that they feel hurt.The principle is the same when it comes to your spouse. What would happen in your relationship if you saw attacks from your partner come from hurt and pain, not meanness and cruelty? If you can see your spouse as a person who is hurt and in pain, it is much easier to offer forgiveness and understanding. It’s much easier to stop this downward spiral of hurt when coming from this point of view. Try to understand what the hurt or pain is that your spouse is experiencing and deal with that. Now you’re dealing with the real issues behind your arguments and change can finally start to happen. When you’re looking for some good “save your marriage advice,” this is a great place to start.
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